It was a dark day

When I started this program, I had just lost my brother to suicide. I had heard how helpful working out could be for mental wellness, and I was in awe with how much better I felt. I had visited a doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants a few weeks before, but the doctor told me it takes six weeks before the medication is completely in my system and working properly, so I hadn't felt the full affects before I had started working out. After I was working out, and had been on the medication for a few weeks, I felt amazing! It got to the point where I was not even remembering my brother on Mondays, the day he passed. Several times, on his 4 months of passing for example, I completely missed big milestones.

Granted I was pretty busy and had a lot going, I missed emailing my brother in Argentina several weeks in a row. I forgot appointments and other things, but that was just not being organized I think.

I didn't want to be miserable and dwell on losing my brother, but I felt almost like the medication was making me happier than it should. I had never felt that happy and positive before. I decided maybe I had just been dealing with postpartum depression, and didn't need the medication anymore. I got the idea in my head that I could handle my depression by keeping up on my workouts, eating healthy, and drinking my Shakeology. There is an ingredient in Shakeology that was used in the past for a natural antidepressant, after all. I was a little scared to get off of the medication, so I pushed it off for awhile.

This last time I had to refill my prescription, I called it in, and then asked my husband to pick it up for me. It was a busy day, so he forgot. The next day, I went to the grocery store, and forgot to go to the pharmacy that is inside the store. Then, this past Saturday was hectic with helping my parents move. Basically, I didn't take my pills for 6 days. I had been wanting to get off of it anyway, so I just didn't make it a number one priority. By today, we decided I wouldn't take it anymore.

Until we were coming out of Costco, today, and my daughter told me that she was a daddy's girl. I started to cry. As we were driving, I realized I didn't want to go back home, and I felt so overwhelmed with being home alone with the kids and having to care for them. I automatically knew that I would have to get back on my medication. I love my children. I love being a stay at home mom. When I feel like I can't care for them alone, like it's so overwhelming, I know I need help. The rest of today, I was bawling on and off. I know it was because without that aid, I can't cope as well. I can't function. My house is a mess. I don't even care. I couldn't cook dinner, and we ended up going out to eat. Not even to a good, healthy place, we had A&W. One of the worst places, but I didn't even care. I went in grease stained yoga pants, a sweatshirt, and in need of a shower bad. As I'm writing this out, I realize how badly I need that medication. Working out and eating healthy is helping. I would probably need a higher dosage if it wasn't for the healthy habits I've been incorporating in my life.

Today was truly scary. I forgot how hard it is to feel like you're losing control. How dark and alone it can feel, and it was only a little taste of what I've felt in the past. I even felt slightly suicidal, something I hadn't felt before losing my brother, and haven't felt since starting this program. Before, I was so ashamed of those thoughts, and it was so embarrassing. I kept them from my family and friends, especially when I first started getting them because my brother had just committed suicide. Today, I told my husband right away. I really had to swallow my pride because of my desire to be "medication free," but I never want to be as bad as I was a few months ago.

I've come to realize that no matter what, I'm not going to be perfect. I am not going to get every single workout in. I'm not going to be able to only eat healthy food the rest of my life. I'm not going to only have positive thoughts. I'm going to have bad days. I have an amazing support system, I have amazing friends and family. I have so many people who love me and are there for me. But I need to take care of myself and make wise decisions. I can't let my mental health dip. I have too much to lose. As I tucked my kids in bed tonight, I held them both so close. I don't want to watch them grow up while I'm in heaven. I don't want some other woman raising them. I can't control everything, but I won't be the reason they won't be raised by me.