#DepressionSUCKS

I've hit another low recently. A little while ago, I took my pill late, like maybe by an hour?, and that caused me to slip on some of the progress I had made. But it gave me a chance to learn a few things.

Depression is something I've been born with. I used to feel so scared with what could go on in my mind and my behavior. I HATED feeling different than my peers. I hated being sad. I hated feeling lonely. But now, I accept it as a gift. Because I struggle, I can understand others who struggle with depression and mental illness. Those who haven't struggled don't always understand how we can be feeling.

First, when we have depression, we have to ACCEPT it. I have tried to get by on my own. But I need medication.

Second, we need to find a combination that works for us. We can't just rely on medication, and expect it to make our lives perfect. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. We still need to put in some work. For me personally, I need to exercise every day (I choose to skip Sunday for religious reasons), eat healthy and avoid gluten, and spend a lot of time going outside and leaving the house. I need a schedule, which I absolutely hate. Whatever your combination, learn it, and stick to it.

Be honest. If you are struggling, tell someone. Don't keep it inside. I wish to add even when you aren't struggling be honest and share that you do struggle, but sadly we feel the need to keep it inside so others don't know. If we were more honest, and it became less of a taboo subject, maybe a difference could be made.

There are a lot of stigmas surrounding mental illness. There shouldn't be. If someone is sick, they get help. If you had a heart disease, you would take your pills. See the doctor. No one would judge you for that. Our brains are the most important organs. We need to care for them.

There are days I wake up and don't want to do anything but stay in bed and watch Greys Anatomy and eat junk food. There are days that the sound of my beautiful children's voices irritate me, and my husbands face make me ANGRY. There are days I cry and cry for no reason. There are times my house gets unbelievably messy and I get so overwhelmed. There are days I hate everyone and would like to be alone.

Depression sucks. Depression is scary. Depression is real.

But it can also be managed, and then we can find joy again in our lives. I have been blessed with some really great moments and times in my life where I haven't felt much depression. That is what I work towards. To be able to feel those happy times. Sometimes, the work doesn't feel worth it and I'd like to just hole up on my couch with my Grey's Anatomy and comfy clothes. But the good times are always worth it. We just have to get there.

Quitting is not an option.

It's Monday once again! Monday's are hard for me, it's the day I lost my brother. But I work hard at being strong, and not letting that pain be an excuse.

Last week I reached my original goal weight. I didn't celebrate it or post about it like I thought I would. I think it's because it came, and I realized I wasn't where I want to be. I can do better. I can be better. I can be stronger. I reevaluated my goal weight. I also made goals that have nothing to do about weight, but about strength.

My goal weight, although it's not that important to me what the number on the scale says anymore, is a number I haven't seen {healthily} since I was in middle school. It's not unhealthy, it's not too low for my body. It's actually higher than I could go, because I accounted for muscle I want to put on.

This morning, I just didn't want to get out of bed. My house was cold. My bed was so warm and comfy. I stayed in bed for a few extra minutes savoring the warmth, and then my daughter came in my room and wanted to cuddle, which is rare. I cuddled her for a few minutes. Then, I realized, I am just making excuses. Sure, I could miss my workout. I'm at my original goal weight, actually 1.5 pounds less. Missing one workout isn't going to make a big difference. But it will make it harder to get my workout in tomorrow when it's even colder in my house. I jumped out of bed, did 10 jumping jacks to warm my self up, and then got my workout in. I feel stronger, I feel better.

Quitting isn't an option. I have to remind myself of this as I struggle with depression. It was a tough weekend. I don't want to get into my personal battles too much, but I definitely struggled mentally. I am considering increasing my medication (with my doctors consent of course). I have days I just want to give up, life can seem pointless, but in those moments when I'm at my weakest, is when I need to push the hardest. I can't quit. I have TOO much. I have so many blessings.

YOU can't quit either. No matter what you're working towards, no matter where your progress is at, you can't give up. I've seen what it looks like to quit. I've seen people quit trying, and it isn't good. Remember WHY you started. What helps you continue on when the going gets tough?

Be kind.

With September being Suicide prevention month, I have been a lot more open about my personal struggles with depression. If you haven't read anything else on my blog, I lost my brother to suicide this February. He was 17. It kills me that he didn't get to graduate, he will never go on a mission, won't experience college, won't be a husband, or father, won't be a lawyer, he's missing out on so much in this life time.

It is so important to be kind to others. We really don't know what they are struggling with or thinking. People can be amazing liars, fakers, and illusionists. My motto in high school I told myself every day was, "Fake it till you Make it." Because of that I became excellent at smiling when I was really struggling inside. 

 If you, or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, PLEASE seek out help. 

I personally know it's hard to reach out for help, but it's so necessary. After my brother passed, I was really struggling, but also going through postpartum depression. I refused to get help, and my mom and husband forced me to go to the doctor and get on medication. The medication took about 6 weeks to fully integrate into my system, but I started feeling somewhat better before that. I did have to be patient for it to work completely, so if you start taking medication, do NOT stop before that 6 weeks thinking it's not working. I've also recently learned not to go off of it without 1) talking to your doctor and 2) gradually going off them as the doctor sees fit. 

I personally have chosen to take a small dosage and combine other elements to help with my mood. Here's a list of things that help me stay happy and positive:

One thing I have to mention is that when I'm feeling depressed, I just want to stay in bed, I don't want to socialize or basically do anything. My mom has always told me, when you don't feel like doing it, that's when you NEED to do it. That goes for getting up and getting some cleaning done, getting out and going for a walk, talking to a friend, going to an event, whatever. When we need these "mood enhancers" we don't want to do them. The tough part is pushing ourselves do doing them. 

If you have a friend who is constantly flaking out, seems excited about an event and then at the last minute cancels, they might be struggling with depression. If you're a close enough friend, force them to go. I say this cautiously, because when my husband forces me out of my depression usually it's with a lot of yelling, tears, and I literally throw tantrums like my toddler, but I'm so grateful he did later when I feel better. 

Make a list of things that help you feel better, and the next time you're struggling, pick something from the list. I have found that having a paper copy of my list in my nightstand helps a ton! When I struggle to get out of bed, I pull it out, and do something from the list. 

Remember that depression is serious! It's not something to take lightly, and if you think you need help, ask for it. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need. You don't need to live in a dark lonely cloud. We've been given life to live, to enjoy and have fun. I have lived way too long wishing for something different, and now on the other side, I am so grateful for the help my husband and mom made me get. 

Be kind to others, but even more, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be kind to yourself.

I am not a professional, but if you ever needed someone to talk to, or guidance with finding someone to help, please reach out to me. 

It was a dark day

When I started this program, I had just lost my brother to suicide. I had heard how helpful working out could be for mental wellness, and I was in awe with how much better I felt. I had visited a doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants a few weeks before, but the doctor told me it takes six weeks before the medication is completely in my system and working properly, so I hadn't felt the full affects before I had started working out. After I was working out, and had been on the medication for a few weeks, I felt amazing! It got to the point where I was not even remembering my brother on Mondays, the day he passed. Several times, on his 4 months of passing for example, I completely missed big milestones.

Granted I was pretty busy and had a lot going, I missed emailing my brother in Argentina several weeks in a row. I forgot appointments and other things, but that was just not being organized I think.

I didn't want to be miserable and dwell on losing my brother, but I felt almost like the medication was making me happier than it should. I had never felt that happy and positive before. I decided maybe I had just been dealing with postpartum depression, and didn't need the medication anymore. I got the idea in my head that I could handle my depression by keeping up on my workouts, eating healthy, and drinking my Shakeology. There is an ingredient in Shakeology that was used in the past for a natural antidepressant, after all. I was a little scared to get off of the medication, so I pushed it off for awhile.

This last time I had to refill my prescription, I called it in, and then asked my husband to pick it up for me. It was a busy day, so he forgot. The next day, I went to the grocery store, and forgot to go to the pharmacy that is inside the store. Then, this past Saturday was hectic with helping my parents move. Basically, I didn't take my pills for 6 days. I had been wanting to get off of it anyway, so I just didn't make it a number one priority. By today, we decided I wouldn't take it anymore.

Until we were coming out of Costco, today, and my daughter told me that she was a daddy's girl. I started to cry. As we were driving, I realized I didn't want to go back home, and I felt so overwhelmed with being home alone with the kids and having to care for them. I automatically knew that I would have to get back on my medication. I love my children. I love being a stay at home mom. When I feel like I can't care for them alone, like it's so overwhelming, I know I need help. The rest of today, I was bawling on and off. I know it was because without that aid, I can't cope as well. I can't function. My house is a mess. I don't even care. I couldn't cook dinner, and we ended up going out to eat. Not even to a good, healthy place, we had A&W. One of the worst places, but I didn't even care. I went in grease stained yoga pants, a sweatshirt, and in need of a shower bad. As I'm writing this out, I realize how badly I need that medication. Working out and eating healthy is helping. I would probably need a higher dosage if it wasn't for the healthy habits I've been incorporating in my life.

Today was truly scary. I forgot how hard it is to feel like you're losing control. How dark and alone it can feel, and it was only a little taste of what I've felt in the past. I even felt slightly suicidal, something I hadn't felt before losing my brother, and haven't felt since starting this program. Before, I was so ashamed of those thoughts, and it was so embarrassing. I kept them from my family and friends, especially when I first started getting them because my brother had just committed suicide. Today, I told my husband right away. I really had to swallow my pride because of my desire to be "medication free," but I never want to be as bad as I was a few months ago.

I've come to realize that no matter what, I'm not going to be perfect. I am not going to get every single workout in. I'm not going to be able to only eat healthy food the rest of my life. I'm not going to only have positive thoughts. I'm going to have bad days. I have an amazing support system, I have amazing friends and family. I have so many people who love me and are there for me. But I need to take care of myself and make wise decisions. I can't let my mental health dip. I have too much to lose. As I tucked my kids in bed tonight, I held them both so close. I don't want to watch them grow up while I'm in heaven. I don't want some other woman raising them. I can't control everything, but I won't be the reason they won't be raised by me.